~©hµi[ju£!e]¥e3~

It's been a while since I last posted something here. Last semester was hectic and I guess I wasn't having the mood to write as well. My holiday semester holiday started on 24th April where I don't really get to enjoy it till yesterday. I finished my last paper on the 25th and I rushed to the airport right after exam to go back to KK because my grandma past away. Spent the first week there settling grandma's funeral and accompanying my relatives till they went back to Hong Kong and China. Then spent another week at home because I was sick. Guess I was having too much seafood and the allergy was killing me. I had to take injection which caused bruises that last for a week on my arm. Missed someone so much during my 2 weeks holiday at hometown. Created my first spending-credit record. Haha!! 

Then I came back to KL on the 7th of May. Spent 4 days with my parents and basically it was feet killing sessions. We went to different shopping malls everyday and I bet mum was enjoying it. Poor dad. I got myself 2 pairs of shoes, a bag and a scarf. Wuahahaha!!! Mum bought so many food within those 4 days and our stomach are constantly full. haha!! 

Then I went to Melaka right after my parents went back. Spent 3 days there and it was another feet killing session plus sun tanning sessions. My skin is darker now and my feet are looking funny because the shoe-line was pasted on my feet. SWT!!! I was in Melaka from the 12th till 14th and 14th was our 2nd month anniversary. Someone just made me cry on the previous night while leaving me a great memory. As usual, we were walking around in Melaka town in the morning and went back to the hotel on the evening. Then, everybody was acting weirdly during dinner. After dinner, we went to a mini theme park when somebody said she left her camera in the hotel and had to go back to get it. Suddenly everybody wanted to go back to the hotel leaving both of us in the theme park. We spent our time talking to each other where I didn't find anything suspicious. 

When everybody's back, suddenly they're changing their mind not wanting to ride on the ferris wheel but the boat. It was 11pm and the riding time for the boat is till 11pm. So ended up everybody's going up to the ferris wheel and that was the time I found something suspicious. There were 6 of us and the four of them wanted to go into the same cabin and again leaving the 2 of us. When they went into the cabin, he was trying to get another cabin which is further than the rest. When we're in the cabin, he said " Actually I told them to go into another cabin, do you remember tomorrow is what date? I had something for you and hope you'll like it" At that very moment I was crying already and he was smiling all the way. He got me a handmade bracelet. When I opened the box, I was speechless and cried till I lost my voice. He planned the whole thing. The box was in his pocket the whole night and I didn't even notice it since i was sitting next to him the whole night. The ferris wheel went through 4 rounds where I was sitting still didn't dare to move, I was scared. Haha!! There were 2 times where the wheel stopped and our cabin was right on top. He told me that he always wanted to bring his girlfriend to the ferris wheel and hope it'll stop right on top where he'll kiss her by then. Guess his wish came true that night. He was holding my hand as I was scared till the wheel stopped. When we went out from the cabin, everybody was clapping and laughing. I don't really remember my own reaction, guess my mouth was open the whole night. Haha!! 

It's been a while since I posted something here. Many things had happened since the last emo post, things I've never thought would happen. I'm forgetful and that's why I need to write something here as a reminder for myself on what had happened. 

Last Friday was the day which I made my confession, a day which I've decided to listen to my heart. I've been ignoring my heart and was listening to my head all this while until I realised that I can no longer hold the feelings. He's simply so loving that a girl could resist. I thought I was everything to him but now seeems like he's my everything as well. I've never thought that a simple confession and change of status will change everything. Seems like he was holding himself back for every single word he told me last time. Ever since I've decided to give a try with him, everything changed, to something better, something I've never thought I'll get. I'm happy. ^_^

Have you ever cried so hard that you could hardly breathe?

Have you ever wanted to tell someone that you love him but you couldn't?

Have you ever wanted to stop a feeling from growing but you couldn't?

Have you ever felt so helpless that you wish you could just run away?

Have you ever felt so painful that you couldn't control your own tears?

Have you ever wanted to have someone but you couldn't?

Have you ever wanted to tell someone so many things so badly but you know you can't?

Have you ever wanted to move forward so badly but you know you can't cross the border?

Tears will always roll down my face whenever I dreamt of him. I wish I can tell him how important he is to me. We both know that we have border that we both can't cross. All we can do is just stay behind the border and see what will happen in the future. It's killing me more and more now because I'm falling harder now. Nobody and nothing can pull me up besides myself.

99 facts abt guys. Truth or lies?

1. Guys don't actually look after good-
looking
girls.
They prefer neat and presentable girls.

2. Guys hate flirts.

3. A guy can like you for a minute, and then
forget
you afterwards.

4. When a guy says he doesn't understand
you,
it simply means you're not thinking the way he
is.

5. "Are you doing something?" or "Have you
eaten
already?"
are the first usual questions a guy asks on
the
phone
just to get out from stammering.

6. Guys may be flirting around all day but
before
they go to sleep,
they always think about the girl they truly care
about.

7. When a guy really likes you,
he'll disregard all your bad characteristics.

8. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

9. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's
attention.

10. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-
boyfriend.

11. When guys want to meet your parents. Let
them.

12. Guys want to tell you many things but they
can't.
And they sure have one habit to gain courage
and
spirit to tell you many things and it is drinking!

13. Guys cry!!!

14. Don't provoke the guy to heat up. Believe
me.
He will.

15. Guys can never dream and hope too
much.

16. Guys usually try hard to get the girl who
has
dumped them,
and this makes it harder for them to accept
their
defeat.

17. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no
turning back.

18. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You
know what?!uh..never mind!"
would make him jump to a conclusion that is
far
from what you are thinking.

19. Guys go crazy when girls touch their
hands.

20. Guys are good flatterers when courting but
they usually
stammer when they talk to a girl they really
like.

21. When a guy makes a prolonged "umm" or
makes any excuses
when you're asking him to do you a favor, he's
actually saying
that he doesn't like you and he can't lay down
the
card for you.

22. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try
again tomorrow."

23. You have to tell a guy what you really want
before he gets the
message clearly.

24. Guys hate gays!

25. Guys love their moms.

26. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch
just
to get you a couple of roses.

27. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes
him.
But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her.

28. You can never understand him unless you
listen to him.

29. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a
lifetime. He does.

30. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter
through half of the
face of the earth faster than girls can.

31. Like Eve, girls are guys? weaknesses.

32. Guys are very open about themselves.

33. It 's good to test a guy first before you
believe
him.
But don't let him wait that long.

34. No guy is bad when he is courting

35. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty.
Even
a small dot.

36. Guys really admire girls that they like even
if
they're not that much pretty.

37. Your best friend, whom your boyfriend
seeks
help from
about his problems with you may end up
being
admired by your boyfriend.

38. If a guy tells you about his problems,
he just needs someone to listen to him.
You don't need to give advice.

39. A usual act that proves that the guy likes
you
is when he teases you.

40. A guy finds ways to keep you off from
linking
with someone else.

41. Guys love girls with brains more than girls
in
miniskirts.

42. Guys try to find the stuffed toy a girl wants
but
would unluckily
get the wrong one.

43. Guys virtually brag about anything.

44. Guys cannot keep secrets that girls tell
them.

45. Guys think too much.

46. Guys' fantasies are unlimited.

47. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a guy
but
her weight doe s!

48. Guys tend to get serious with their
relationship
and become too possessive.
So watch out girls!!!

49. When a girl makes the boy suffer during
courtship,
it would be hard for him to let go of that girl.

50. It's not easy for a guy to let go of his
girlfriend
after they broke
up especially when they've been together for 3
years or more.

51. You have to tell a guy what you really want
before getting
involved with that guy.

52. A guy has to experience rejection,
because if
he's too-good-never-been-busted,
never been in love and hurt, he won't be
matured
and grow up.

53. When an unlikable circumstance comes,
guys blame themselves a lot more than girls
do.
They could even hurt themselves physically.

54. Guys have strong passion to change but
have
weak will power.

55. Guys are tigers in their peer groups
but become tamed pussycats with their
girlfriends.

56. When a guy pretends to be calm, check if
he's
sweating.
You'll probably see that he is nervous.

57. When a guy says he is going crazy about
the
girl.
He really is.

58. When a guy asks you to leave him alone,
he's just actually saying, "Please come and
listen
to me"

59. Guys don't really have fin al decisions.

60. When a guy loves you, bring out the best
in
him.

61. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to
him.

62. If a guy has been kept shut or silent, say
something.

63. Guys believe that there's no such thing as
love
at first sight,
but court the girls anyway and then realize at
the
end that he is wrong.

64. Guys like femininity not feebleness.

65. Guys don't like girls who punch harder
than
they do.

66. A guy may instantly know if the girl likes
him
but
can never be sure unless the girl tells him.

67. A guy would waste his time over video
games
and basketball,
the way a girl would do over her romance
novels
and make-ups.

68. Guys love girls who can cook or bake.

69. Guys like girls who are like their moms.
No
kidding!

70. A guy has more problems than you can
see
with your naked eyes.

71. A guy's friend knows everything about him.
Use this to your advantage.

72. Don't be a snob. Guys may easily give up
on
the first sign of rejection.

73. Don't be biased. Try loving a guy without
prejudice and you'll be surprised.

74. Girls who bathe in their eau de perfumes
do
more repelling than attracting guys.

75. Guys are more talkative than girls are
especially when the topic is about girls.

76. Guys don't comprehend the statement
"Get
lost" too well.

77. Guys really think that girls are strange and
have unpredictable decisions but still love
them
more.

78. When a guy gives a crooked or
pretentious
grin at your jokes,
he finds them offending and he just tried to be
polite.

79. Guys don't care about how shiny their
shoes
are unlike girls.

80. Guys tend to generalize about girls but
once
they get to know them,
they'll realize they're wrong.

81. Any guy can handle his problems all by
his
own.
He's just too stubborn to deal with it.

82. Guys find it so objectionable when a girl
swears.

83. Guys' weakest point is at the knee.

84. When a problem arises,
a guy usually keeps himself cool but is
already
thinking of a way out.

85. When a guy is conscious of his looks, it
shows he is not good at fixing things.

86. When a guy looks at you, either he's
amazed
of you or he's criticizing you.

87. When you catch him cheating on you and
he
asks for a second chance,
give it to him. But when you catch him again
and
he asks for another chance,
ignore him.

88. If a guy lets you go, he really loves you.

89. If you have a boyfriend, and your boy best
friend always glances at you
and it obviously shows that he is jealous
whenever you're with your boyfriend,
all I can say is your boy best friend loves you
more than your boyfriend does.

90. Guys learn from experience not from the
romance books that girls read and
take as their basis of experience.

91. You can tell if a guy is really hurt or in pain
when he cries in
front of you!

92. If a guy suddenly asks you for a date, ask
him
first why.

93. When a guy says he can't sleep if he
doesn't
hear your voice
even just for one night, hang up. He also tells
that
to another girl.
He only flatters you and sometimes makes
fun of
you.

94. You can truly say that a guy has good
intentions if you see him praying sometimes.

95. Guys seek for advice not from a guy but
from
a girl.

96. Girls are allowed to touch boys' things.
Not
their hair!

97. If a guy says you're beautiful, that guy likes
you.

98. Guys hate girls who overreact.

99. Guys love you more than you love them if
they
are serious in your relationships.

Merry Birthday!! I guess you won't get any "Happy Birthday" from me. Blame your birthdate. =P I was about to get you a birthday card when I got your present, but then they all look so typical to me. So I decided not to buy any for you, I am going to use the technology. Ahahahaha!!! As if Im a technology person. *ahem* Anyway, plus I have a lot to tell you, I don't think those tiny cards are big enough to fit my words. OMG!!!! I forgot about the big card!!! SWT!! SWT!! Nevermind, since Im doing this already, let's forget about the big card. *hypnotizing* ~~forget about the big card~~

Nah!! Enough crap already. Finally it's your turn to celebrate your 21th birthday. It took me ages to wait for today. Crapness Well, intially I was planning to write something that can make you cry, but then today I don't really have any idea to write those stuff. Im hyper today, so can't create crying material. How?? HOW?? 

The song that I chose for you actually meant something. "You're my sunshine". When Im happy, sad or angry, you're there for me. So you're my sunshine. Wish somebody else will tell you this? Keep on wishing.. HAHA!!! Blek~~

Arrgghh!!! Im out of idea today. Can't create emo material. Can't create good material as well. So yeah.. Merry birthday!!! MUAH~~~

Finally.... 

After writting all my thoughts here last night, I finally had a good sleep last night.

 The first 2 weeks after the confession was a nightmare to both of us. We went through so many complication before we reach where we are now. The first 2 weeks we can barely talk properly as both of us were afraid that we'll put the sensitive topic on the table again. So we were pretending to be alright. After I told him the whole truth, I broke his heart for the second time. He couldn't take the truth at all but luckily he bounced back quick. 2 weeks later, we finally can talk to each other like we used to be in the past. We spent more than 8 hours a day for more than a week to prepare for our exam. When there was nobody but us, we talked and joked about the confession. I was so relieved that he was over about the confession incident. One day, he told me that he decided to be my next new bestfriend, I told him jokingly that I'll see whether he is qualified for that post. 

At the begining, he'll wait until I go home before he'll go home. Then he'll show his concern when I said I was hungry and couldn't continue to study. He'll always wait until I go to bed before he'll offline and go to bed as well. I took all that as a friend's concern. When I thought we can treat each other like bestfriend was when I realised that is an impossible thing to achieve for this very moment. I slowly discovered that Im all over his life right now. He went to college to study because I was there. He chose to study at the library because I like to study in the library. He went home late because I wanted to stay late. He went to that particular shop to eat because he knew I love that shop. I felt the empathy for him. So I once accompanied him untill 8.30pm because I know he'll be alone if I go home early. There was another time where I knew his father would pick him up late, so I stayed. Sometimes I even wondered if I should love him more because the way he treated me. He is definitely worth to have that love. 

You might think that Im not over him yet but in this particular case, it's not about getting over him. I know it clearly that I couldn't have him. I chose not to have him and I won't regret for my decision. But still, he's showing his love in every little thing he does. I feel so comfortable when he's around. He's like a guardian angel to me. I know whatever I do, there'll be a person supporting me. Maybe I was really lying when I said I know what Im thinking. Sometimes I don't know what to think. Really don't know what to think. You might tell me not to think at all. I know I should have let it fade by itself but apparently it is not fading at all. I came out with enough of excuses for him and for myself. Every night when I closed my eyes, he's all I'll think about. Not about getting over him nor giving him a chance, just him. 

I tried hard to avoid being too close to him but sometimes he's just so irresistable. We have exactly the same thoughts in so many things. So when I was talking to him, I felt so comfortable and relaxed. Lately, I can feel that the love is not fading nor developing into a pure freindship. So I took one step back, hopefully my previous actions did not give him hope. Im in a dilemma but please don't be worry. I seriously want to love him as a friend and want him to do the same. If he keep hoping meaning I need to always stay one step behind. That is the least I want from him. Staying one step behind is hard especially when Im forgetful. I don't want to remind myself each time when I confront him. It's tiring. It's seriously bothering me now. I know Im being selfish because he really needs time to get over everything especially when Im still being around him. Hopefully this holiday would help. 

Haha!! You might start worrying already. The reason that Im telling all this is because I need to tell myself how I feel. Of course if there's a choice, I'll try to date him. At least so far I still think he's everything that I wanted from a guy. But no worries. My head is still clear. I guess the reason that Im in dilemma is because he's too good to be turned down. And oh ya.. don't try to tell me how bad he is because it won't work. =P

Aiya, I know Im very annoying, always not knowing what to think. I just need you to bear with me and listen what I want to say. I'll find a way someday to solve the dilemma. So.. I need to sleep now. Good night.

This whole Issie thing is driving me crazy. Last night I told him the truth, the real reason I rejected him.  He didn't cope well with the truth. He went quiet straight after I told him and I knew I really broke his heart. At that very moment, he only chose to see what he wanted to see. 

I typed "I told you before that I knew it was coming because part of me was hoping it will come. But when it finally came, I know it has to stop. The real reason that Im rejecting you is because of the religion thing. Hope I didn't offend you. Im sorry"

What he saw from the message was the part that shows that I was having feelings for him, not the reason part. I was totally shocked and regreted for the first time on the decision that I've made. He's right, he's an emo guy. He can't control his emotions well. Everything was so tensed that I could hardly breathe. Suddenly he told me that he knew I was having feelings for him and that's why he confessed. He even said he lied about having feelings for me. In fact he's in love with me. Gosh!! I need oxygen!!! He kept saying it's unfair, kept begging me to consider. I was horrified and didn't know what to do. We both kept quiet while I was seeking help from Christie. Everything was okay last night till this morning.

When I woke up this morning. I saw there's a sms and I knew exactly who's the sender. I thought he'll be fine after a night but apparently he wasn't fine at all. He was still begging me to consider about being with him and stuff like that. I was totally pissed off at that moment. Instead of explaining, I said 'Hate me if you have to'. He replied that he doesn't hate me and Im the one who should hate him. So I said 'Alright, then I hate you. Stop asking for an answer because I gave you the answer already. Take it ot leave it' He called me a dagger and we stopped smsing each other. 

Later on, when I was on my way walking to the library, I saw him. I walked pass without looking at him. When I finished all the stuff I had to do, I went home. Apparently he could feel that I was avoiding him. So he sent a sms to apologize. Everything seems okay now but Im still worried. I don't know when he'll start the emo thing again. I've lost the faith on him and I guess he won't be able to gain that back. Let's pray that he'll get over me soon. Restless month. Sigh~~

Chrissie, talk to me when you feel like k? Im worried.

Im feeling blah, can't really concentrate in doing anything.  The whole Issie thing is still bothering me. Arrgghhhh!!!!!! He's the only person I can really talk to in college. I used to talk, tease, joke, complain, gossip and so on, with him. Now I can't do them anymore because I have to stay away from him. It feels weird.

Thank you very much to Sie and Vinc. 

To Vinc, 

I told him my thoughts already and I guess he accepted that. Today was finally back to normal. I went to college early in the morning and meet in half way. He was in the car and I was walking next to it. He waved at me and I smiled at him. I went to the library alone and he went to class. I stayed at the library for the whole morning I finished my work and went to lunch. Met him in class in the afternoon and we talked as usual. Today everything was fine. No more awkwardness. I can finally attend my class feeling comfortable even if he's sitting behind me. I guess telling him my thoughts really work well. 

To Sie,

Regarding to your comment. Lol.. He definitely worth a try. He's a nice guy, only sensitive in this love thingy. He's a typical romantic guy. That's why he scares me. He's a good actor, so I guess the pretend-okay-thing will work well. Today's class was ok. I teased him as usual and our conversations were normal like before. Maybe I was thinking too much before this. Anyway, hopefully everything will be okay in the future. I finally finished my toughest assignment. YAY!!!! I feel so good now. 

Muah Muah to both of you